I’ve been thinking this last week about the profound impact that my little man has had on me as a person and I’ve come up with the following…
He makes me crazy! As in furious, I’m going to walk out the room and scream into a pillow while simultaneously counting to ten crazy… I’m going to crawl around on my hands and knees pretending to be a bunking bronco crazy… I’m free so I’m going to drink a lot of gin and then seriously regret it in my hungover state crazy… I haven’t slept for more than 30 minutes continuously crazy… and I’ve got so much washing and sodding life admin to do that I’m just going to sit and drink tea in my pj’s watching Octonauts crazy.
If someone was to show me a magical crystal ball 3 years ago and say this is going to be you I think I would have laughed and run for the hills. I was never too into the whole motherhood thing and as I’ve said before, Bodes was a bit of a whoops (a lovely one) and I was pretty adamant for several years that absolutely nothing was going to venture out of my hooha. And aside from making me feel a little bit bat shit crazy from time to time, there are so many things that B has taught me so far.
Who would have thought a tiny little person would actually be able to teach you things? By that I don’t mean how to change a nappy, or wipe a snotty nose (well actually, that’s an art in itself to be fair – I’ve evolved as a booger ninja, rapid wiping action is the only way) but I mean that they teach you things about yourself and kind of teach you how to be a different version of you.
I know you often see these things about motherhood being your calling and the making of you and all that jazz and I essentially think I’m still the same but mainly, the one thing he’s taught me is that you just need to get on with things… life doesn’t wait, it doesn’t always happen exactly when you want or planned it to and curve balls are kind of inevitable. He was my curve ball, and the best kind really.
He’s made me realise that I don’t need to carry on doing a job that I don’t feel fits with my life anymore (technically I do for now… but he shoved an imaginary rocket up my arse and made me see that I can make changes). These things don’t happen over night and I’m a little knee deep in coursework but there’s a long term goal there and I definitely wouldn’t have done that before.
I also finally paid off my student overdraft – maternity leave may have dented this again slightly, but hey technically it’s not a student one now! More like a coffee, cake and soft play kind of overdraft…
I definitely would never have thought of writing a blog and putting my thoughts out there… but that happened.
I also used to seriously worry about what people thought, all the time… and I would read into the smallest things (I still do this a little) but I don’t actually have that much time to do that anymore. On the one hand it’s quite difficult going into second rank behind a little feeding-pooing-sleeping machine but on the other, it’s kind of liberating and I actually really like that part.
When I found out I was pregnant my greatest fears were that I would be lonely and ‘just a mum’ (oh and covered in stretch marks) and I really struggled for a while to see the good bits that would come from it, however being in the slightly reflective mood that I am today this hasn’t been the case at all. Having him was such a happy (long) day and I really wouldn’t change it for the world and no-one is ‘just a mum’, which I totally get now.
So my concluding thought is that really, babies are little pocket rockets… yes it means that things change, life changes and that promotion that you might have got isn’t an option anymore and people at work may look at you differently because you’re ‘part-time’ but do you know what… who cares! You made a human and that’s pretty damn impressive, as is the ability to squeeze them through a tinie tiny hole… so I’m learning to embrace the change and see things from a different corner of the earth these days.
Oh and… I’m designing some Food Baby bags (not so subtle plug), these will be available to buy very soon – another example of what baby rocket fuel makes you do.